Your Horse Is Your Mirror Part 3
The Horse-Human Partnership
Unlike most sports, riding involves developing a relationship with a living, breathing creature. As a result, a rider’s interpersonal problems may “play out” -usually to the detriment of the performance- with their horse. Both rider and horse frequently suffer as result. If the rider can identify and resolve their personal issues, their riding usually improves along with their interpersonal relationships. Let me give you an example of an interpersonal issue that frequently affects riders’ effectiveness. A good rider is appropriately assertive; if a rider lacks assertiveness in their other relationships, you can bet that it will show up in their riding as well.
A dressage instructor and I once gave a three-day clinic on improving both riding and sports-psychology skills. One of the participants was a woman named Sherry. Sherry’s horse was a bully and liked to take her for a ride, with the annoying habit of pulling to the left. The instructor suggested that Sherry carry her whip in her left hand. Sherry responded that she couldn’t because the horse would run through the whip and try to slam her left leg against the wall. With the instructor’s guidance, Sherry learned safe and effective methods of getting her horse to listen and respect her. By the clinic’s end, the horse was behaving quite well.
In the clinic wrap-up session, Sherry brought up a personal issue. Her husband, she said, was unsupportive of her riding and had ordered her to spend no more than six hours a week at the barn. If she exceeded his limit, he would give her the cold shoulder. One time , she said , he left the house for several hours, refusing to tell her where he was going or why, to “teach her a lesson.”
Tears in her eyes, Sherry became quiet at the end of her tale. Suddenly she began to laugh. She looked at the group and said, “I guess I need to learn to carry my whip in my left hand with my husband, too!”
Lack of assertiveness can lead to other riding-related problems as well. In Linda’s case, it was her trainer, not her horse, who took advantage of her submissive nature. Linda was a 40 year old beginner rider who had a nice horse in training with a reputable professional. The problem was that the trainer would not let Linda ride her own horse.
I wondered whether the instructor had safety concerns regarding Linda’s ability to handle the animal. However, Linda claimed to feel completely at ease with the horse and said that he’d been sold to her as “bombproof.”
To complicate matters further, the instructor didn’t even want to teach Linda, saying that “I only work with talented riders.”
Ouch! And Linda isn’t alone in her situation. There are other horse owners and riders who not only put up with this kind of abuse; they also pay for the privilege. Linda’s story has a happy ending. After we worked on improving her assertiveness and her self-esteem, she fired her trainer. She now rides with a good trainer who, like herself, started riding later in life. Linda is now having fun and riding her own horse. The last time I heard from Linda, she was preparing for her first show.
Some riders try to heal old emotional wounds through their relationships with their horses. In some cases, this “equine therapy” can work wonderfully. Horses and other animals can provide loving, safe relationships that, for some people, eclipse the ones they had as children with their primary caretakers. In other words, however, this attempt to use a horse as an instrument of self-help can go terribly wrong.
Another weekend clinic in which I participated was attended by three women, all of whom had horses that ranged from difficult to dangerous. The dangerous horse was so bad that the dressage instructor ultimately refused to work with it. All three horses, it turned out, had previously been mistreated; the women had bought them in order to help them “get over” the abuse through the use of “love and patience.” What’s more, we clinicians learned, all three women had themselves been abused as children.
Although the women’s intentions were laudable,the realities of dealing with mistreated horses were clouded by their need to work through the aftereffects of their own abuse. Each woman was risking serious injury by handling and riding her horse, and none fully understood why she was making these particular choices. I never saw the women again after the clinic. I can only hope that everything worked out and that no one got hurt.
Another common theme I hear is that the rider feels that they are “letting their horse down” by not being good enough to show him at his best. One of my clients, whom I’ll call Ellen, had unexpectedly inherited a great deal of money. Able to afford her own horse for the first time, she bought a really nice one. Soon people began to make unkind remarks about her riding, evidently out of envy at her ability to purchase such a top-class animal.
Ellen overheard some of the comments. When she came to me, she was contemplating selling her horse because “I can’t do him justice, and he deserves better.”
I asked her: “Do you treat him well?”
“Oh yes; I love him very much,” Ellen replied. “He has the best food, lives in a lovely barn at night, with three acres to play in during the day.”
“So,” I said, “do you really think he would be happier busting his buns at Grand Prix, living in a ten-by-ten portable stall fifteen weeks out of year; or is he OK living the life he has?”
“But I don’t deserve such a nice horse,” Ellen repeated. It turned out that Ellen believed that, because she hadn’t earned the money herself, she wasn’t entitled to use it to do anything nice for herself.
“Are you a bad person? Are you mean, dishonest, hateful toward others?” I asked. “No. I try to be a good person,” Ellen responded. “Then this horse has a job,” I said. “Enjoy him, and let him enjoy you. He doesn’t need anything more than that.”
Ellen wrote me a few months ago to tell me that she is finally having fun with that nice horse of hers. She plans to compete him at Third Level this year and hopes to earn her USDF bronze medal. She has also found a charity that she enjoys supporting, and she feels fortunate to be able to contribute her time and money to a worthwhile cause.
Know Yourself
The examples that I have described are just a few of the many I have come across in which a person’s thoughts or beliefs interfere with their enjoyment of or progress in their sport. When this occurs, I have found, these beliefs are likely to be interfering with more than just riding. When the rider addresses what is necessary in order to remove any “riding roadblocks,” the results usually carry through to the other areas of life. What’s interesting is that, for many clients, their involvement with horses and riding provides the motivation to do some important psychological work that otherwise might be neglected.
The bottom line is, if you find yourself similarly “stuck” in your riding, do not despair. If you suspect that an outside issue is interfering with your progress, get to work. Do some introspections. Ask close friends and family members if they see any connections or contradictions that you might be missing- listen to what they have to say with an open mind. Ask yourself whether you hold any beliefs of thought patterns that might be limiting your success, both in and out of the saddle. Look at any other areas of your life in which things are not quite what you want. There are clues everywhere. If you wish, or if you’re unable to get to the bottom of the problem on your own, a sport psychologist or other mental-health practitioner may be able to help you clear out the mental baggage.
Even if it sometimes takes a bit of work to believe it, we all deserve happiness and success in whatever form matters to us. Remember that, and now get out there and ride!
Your Horse Is Your Mirror Part 2
The Horse-Human Partnership
Unlike most sports, riding involves developing a relationship with a living, breathing creature. As a result, a rider’s interpersonal problems may “play out” -usually to the detriment of the performance- with their horse. Both rider and horse frequently suffer as result. If the rider can identify and resolve their personal issues, their riding usually improves along with their interpersonal relationships. Let me give you an example of an interpersonal issue that frequently affects riders’ effectiveness. A good rider is appropriately assertive; if a rider lacks assertiveness in their other relationships, you can bet that it will show up in their riding as well.
A dressage instructor and I once gave a three-day clinic on improving both riding and sports-psychology skills. One of the participants was a woman named Sherry. Sherry’s horse was a bully and liked to take her for a ride, with the annoying habit of pulling to the left. The instructor suggested that Sherry carry her whip in her left hand. Sherry responded that she couldn’t because the horse would run through the whip and try to slam her left leg against the wall. With the instructor’s guidance, Sherry learned safe and effective methods of getting her horse to listen and respect her. By the clinic’s end, the horse was behaving quite well.
In the clinic wrap-up session, Sherry brought up a personal issue. Her husband, she said, was unsupportive of her riding and had ordered her to spend no more than six hours a week at the barn. If she exceeded his limit, he would give her the cold shoulder. One time , she said , he left the house for several hours, refusing to tell her where he was going or why, to “teach her a lesson.”
Tears in her eyes, Sherry became quiet at the end of her tale. Suddenly she began to laugh. She looked at the group and said, “I guess I need to learn to carry my whip in my left hand with my husband, too!”
Lack of assertiveness can lead to other riding-related problems as well. In Linda’s case, it was her trainer, not her horse, who took advantage of her submissive nature. Linda was a 40 year old beginner rider who had a nice horse in training with a reputable professional. The problem was that the trainer would not let Linda ride her own horse.
I wondered whether the instructor had safety concerns regarding Linda’s ability to handle the animal. However, Linda claimed to feel completely at ease with the horse and said that he’d been sold to her as “bombproof.”
To complicate matters further, the instructor didn’t even want to teach Linda, saying that “I only work with talented riders.”
Ouch! And Linda isn’t alone in her situation. There are other horse owners and riders who not only put up with this kind of abuse; they also pay for the privilege. Linda’s story has a happy ending. After we worked on improving her assertiveness and her self-esteem, she fired her trainer. She now rides with a good trainer who, like herself, started riding later in life. Linda is now having fun and riding her own horse. The last time I heard from Linda, she was preparing for her first show.
Some riders try to heal old emotional wounds through their relationships with their horses. In some cases, this “equine therapy” can work wonderfully. Horses and other animals can provide loving, safe relationships that, for some people, eclipse the ones they had as children with their primary caretakers. In other words, however, this attempt to use a horse as an instrument of self-help can go terribly wrong.
Another weekend clinic in which I participated was attended by three women, all of whom had horses that ranged from difficult to dangerous. The dangerous horse was so bad that the dressage instructor ultimately refused to work with it. All three horses, it turned out, had previously been mistreated; the women had bought them in order to help them “get over” the abuse through the use of “love and patience.” What’s more, we clinicians learned, all three women had themselves been abused as children.
Although the women’s intentions were laudable,the realities of dealing with mistreated horses were clouded by their need to work through the aftereffects of their own abuse. Each woman was risking serious injury by handling and riding her horse, and none fully understood why she was making these particular choices. I never saw the women again after the clinic. I can only hope that everything worked out and that no one got hurt.
Another common theme I hear is that the rider feels that they are “letting their horse down” by not being good enough to show him at his best. One of my clients, whom I’ll call Ellen, had unexpectedly inherited a great deal of money. Able to afford her own horse for the first time, she bought a really nice one. Soon people began to make unkind remarks about her riding, evidently out of envy at her ability to purchase such a top-class animal.
Ellen overheard some of the comments. When she came to me, she was contemplating selling her horse because “I can’t do him justice, and he deserves better.”
I asked her: “Do you treat him well?”
“Oh yes; I love him very much,” Ellen replied. “He has the best food, lives in a lovely barn at night, with three acres to play in during the day.”
“So,” I said, “do you really think he would be happier busting his buns at Grand Prix, living in a ten-by-ten portable stall fifteen weeks out of year; or is he OK living the life he has?”
“But I don’t deserve such a nice horse,” Ellen repeated. It turned out that Ellen believed that, because she hadn’t earned the money herself, she wasn’t entitled to use it to do anything nice for herself.
“Are you a bad person? Are you mean, dishonest, hateful toward others?” I asked. “No. I try to be a good person,” Ellen responded. “Then this horse has a job,” I said. “Enjoy him, and let him enjoy you. He doesn’t need anything more than that.”
Ellen wrote me a few months ago to tell me that she is finally having fun with that nice horse of hers. She plans to compete him at Third Level this year and hopes to earn her USDF bronze medal. She has also found a charity that she enjoys supporting, and she feels fortunate to be able to contribute her time and money to a worthwhile cause.
Know Yourself
The examples that I have described are just a few of the many I have come across in which a person’s thoughts or beliefs interfere with their enjoyment of or progress in their sport. When this occurs, I have found, these beliefs are likely to be interfering with more than just riding. When the rider addresses what is necessary in order to remove any “riding roadblocks,” the results usually carry through to the other areas of life. What’s interesting is that, for many clients, their involvement with horses and riding provides the motivation to do some important psychological work that otherwise might be neglected.
The bottom line is, if you find yourself similarly “stuck” in your riding, do not despair. If you suspect that an outside issue is interfering with your progress, get to work. Do some introspections. Ask close friends and family members if they see any connections or contradictions that you might be missing- listen to what they have to say with an open mind. Ask yourself whether you hold any beliefs of thought patterns that might be limiting your success, both in and out of the saddle. Look at any other areas of your life in which things are not quite what you want. There are clues everywhere. If you wish, or if you’re unable to get to the bottom of the problem on your own, a sport psychologist or other mental-health practitioner may be able to help you clear out the mental baggage.
Even if it sometimes takes a bit of work to believe it, we all deserve happiness and success in whatever form matters to us. Remember that, and now get out there and ride!
